I have never really felt close to my mother. As a young child the concept of a parent was someone who fed and clothed me until the liberating age of 18. With only two years left of childhood, I feel like I am racing against time to build that essential relationship with her. I can go days without conversing with her. Our daily routine consists of her calling me down for dinner, us sitting at the table in silence and every now and then I hear her shrieking from downstairs. I feel like the only time I hear her voice is when she wants me to do something, or if I have done something wrong. I feel as if she analyses my faults just so that she can have a go at me for them. I can never win with her.
I would say "Hey mum, how was your day?"
Then she would answer me with a condescending question such as "Why do you want to know?" and then I would instantly give up. Nowadays I don't even try. I am as bitter towards her as she is to me and it's an never ending cycle of miscommunication. Even as a child making my mother proud would be deemed impossible; she would stare at anything other than me as I excitedly waved my tiny hand in her oblivious face. Impressing her now is merely just a dream that I fear shall never become true, and because of this I underachieve. It has become such a habit that I can't break from it, trying is something I actually cannot do. This leads to more disappointment, more arguments and less discussion until we've become two people who just live under the same roof with no emotional connection, just genetics.
My mother no longer my mother.
As I am coming to the end of my rant, I have realised I don't have much to say about my mum. Just like she doesn't have much to say to me.
